Really wish all the other species of human hadn’t died out

I know we would’ve fucked it all up somehow but imagine the memes

god can you believe that miss fisher's murder mysteries really went & hired a woman in her late forties to play a woman who in the books is in her late twenties ???

they took one look at essie davis in all her devastatingly beautiful splendour, with her bright eyes & laughter lines & apple cheekbones & freckled shoulders & charming smile & said fuck it phryne fisher is now a forty-something woman in her goddamn prime who has driven ambulances in the trenches & flown planes & scaled mountains & who is irresistably gorgeous & knows it ???

it honestly means so much to me that they did that. you see so many tiresome instances of young women being cast as older women & they just turned that on its head & the show is all the better for it. they don't try to make her look younger, they don't smooth out or cover up her laughter lines or the crinkles around her eyes or the creases when she turns her head or her upper arms or the freckles on her hands. they just let her be & she is so beautiful.

this is what happens when you let women run a show.

fantasy characters: “Geez”

me: who the fuck spread Christianity there

I had a moderately serious boyfriend toward the end of high school/beginning of college, and sometimes I really wish we’d just stayed together, because I know he didn’t want to break up, and he tried to get back together with me at one point (although I was sort of clueless about it at the time).

I want kids and my own space close to my parents (who need help with care for medical reasons) without having to live with them (my life goals are so low right now), and both of those things would be far more realistic if I’d stayed with him. I’d probably already have them.

But I also remember how severely mentally ill I’d been for years and years – it was already not great when I was with him, and it had a lot to do with why we broke up (I just couldn’t handle his demands on my attention when I was spiralling down) and here’s the thing:

I need to remember that when I was spiralling out of control and deeper and deeper into mental illness, I felt judged by him, not supported. So no, staying with him would not have fixed me or gotten me to a point where I was happy. 

On a surface level, there are things about the idea of staying with him that make it seem like life would be so much better and easier. I think he genuinely loved the person I could be when I was healthy and happy and could try to act sexually interested in him.

I also think that a lot of that “health and happiness” was an act that I couldn’t sustain. I think that I was (and continue to be) very uncertain of my feelings about my own relationship to gender and sexuality and jumping into the female role in a heterosexual relationship looked like it made a lot of sense, but never felt comfortable or right to me. I think he was dismissive when I tried to explain my pain as I struggled with my mental health, and that would not have made him a good partner while I tried to get well.

What I wish I had was a good partner who was supportive (and continues to be supportive) while I try to figure out what recovery looks like. I want children and having a cis-male partner would make that easier, so I idealize his potential as a father. I’m lonely, so I assume that if I had a partner, the relationship would fill that void, even though I remember being so incredibly lonely while we were dating. I can’t even imagine telling him that I’ve been struggling with the idea of being non-binary since before we started dating. I never discussed my profound ambivalence about sex with him.

I want a lot of things that relationship could have been in theory, and things that it looked like it was from the outside, but I don’t want the relationship we actually had.

I just needed to write that out because I stumbled across his profile on social media today, and any time he pops back into my consciousness, I wonder what it would have been like to stay with him, and I need to remind myself that I already know it wouldn’t have been a good idea.